I used to genuinely believe I would never have kids—not because I didn’t want to be a mom, but because of my fear. Kids get sick. All the time. That’s just part of life, and for most people it’s something you deal with and move on from. But for me, that felt like signing up to live inside my worst nightmare. I remember thinking so clearly, how could I be a good mom if I can’t even handle the thing that comes with it? Because it’s not just a “maybe”—at some point, your child is going to get sick. And I didn’t trust myself to handle that.
On top of that- there was pregnancy. The thought of morning sickness alone was enough to send me into a spiral. The idea of willingly putting myself in a position where I might feel nauseous, where I might not feel in control of my own body, felt impossible. It was something other people could do, but not me. At least that’s what I told myself for a long time.
But life has a way of pushing you into things you never thought you could handle, and somehow, I became a mom. I wish I could explain it perfectly, but something in me shifted. Not completely, not magically—the fear didn’t disappear—but something else got louder. Him.
I remember one of the first moments that really tested me. My son had an allergy to a food we didn’t know about yet, and he got sick. I had always imagined that if I was ever in that situation, I would panic or freeze or completely spiral. But that’s not what happened. I took care of him. There wasn’t time to overthink or question it. My brain didn’t get the chance to take over the way it normally does. Being his mom came first. And I remember after it happened, thinking, wait… I just did that. That moment stuck with me because it showed me something I didn’t think was possible—that I could feel fear and still show up anyway.
I’ve also always had this weird belief that my body almost knows. Like when I feel sick, it does everything it can to not actually let it happen. I don’t know if that’s real or just something I’ve told myself to cope, but it’s something I’ve held onto. It’s like my body is trying to protect me in the same way my brain is trying to, just in a different way. I only up-chucked once during my pregnancy because I got morning nausea AND carsick from a 7 hour car-ride.
But if I’m being honest, nothing prepared me for what happened recently. For the first time ever, my son got the stomach bug. *don’t even look at me- I don’t even want to talk about it lol* And it was exactly what you’d imagine. It was my worst nightmare actually happening in real life. There’s no way to mentally prepare for that. No amount of logic or reassurance that makes it feel okay in the moment. It was hard in a way that’s difficult to explain unless you’ve lived it. My brain was loud, my body was tense, and every instinct in me wanted to escape the situation—but I couldn’t, because my child needed me.
And the truth is, I couldn’t do it alone. Thank goodness for his dad, and for my sister-in-law who stepped in and helped take care of him. In moments like that, support isn’t just helpful, it’s everything. And I think there’s something really important in admitting that. Being a good mom doesn’t mean doing everything perfectly or handling everything on your own. Sometimes it means knowing when you need help and letting people show up for you. I dealt a big wave of guilt and defeat by the way that I performed. I also feel traumatized but now when he says his tummy hurts when he’s hungry or acts weird it gets my heart racing.
That being said… even through all of that, even in the middle of my worst fear playing out, we got through it. He was okay, I was okay, and the moment passed. When I look back on it now, I don’t just see fear. I see strength that I didn’t think I had. I see the version of me that showed up anyway, even when it felt impossible.
I didn’t handle it perfectly. I was scared. I even ended up getting the bug after him. But we survived!! Now he is back to his crazy self.
The truth is, you can be scared and still be an incredible mom. Those two things can exist at the same time. And if you’re someone who has ever thought, “I could never do this because of my fear“- I understand that more than you know. But you might be stronger in those moments than you think.It is so important to have people you can rely on! It takes a village!!
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